reflection – Laurel Felt, PhD

Yom Kippur begins tonight at sundown. This means that, for Jews, it’s time for us to reflect on our lives over the past year and, hopefully, wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

Three years ago, I found this poem/self-reflection tool that so eloquently invites us to think/act towards enriching ourselves and our lives. I share it because I care.

——————-

The day has come
To take an accounting of my life.

Have I dreamed of late
Of the person I want to be,
Of the changes I would make
In my daily habits,
In the way I am with others,
In the friendship I show companions,
Woman friends, man friends, my partner,
In the regard I show my father and mother,
Who brought me out of childhood?

I have remained enchained too often to less than what I am.
But the day has come to take an accounting of my life.

Have I renewed of late
My vision of the world I want to live in,
Of the changes I would make
In the way my friends are with each other
In the way we find out whom we love
The way we grow to educated people
The way in which the many kinds of needy people
Grope their way to justice?

I, who am my own kind of needy person, have been afraid of visions.
But the day has come to take accounting of my life.

Have I faced up of late
To the needs I really have –
Not for the comforts which shelter my unsureness
Not for honors which paper over my (really tawdry) self,
Not for handsome beauty in which my weakness masquerades,
Not for unattractiveness in which my strengths hide out –

I need to be loved.
Do I deserve to be?
I need to love another.
Can I commit my love?
Perhaps its object will be less than my visions
(And then I would be less)
Perhaps I am not brave enough
To find new vision
Through a real and breathing person.

I need to come in touch with my own power,
Not with titles,
Not possessions, money, high praise,
But with the power that it is mine
As a child of the Power that is the universe
To be a comfort, a source of honor,
Handsome and beautiful from the moment I awoke this morning
So strong
That I can risk the love of someone else
So sure
That I can risk to change the world
And know that even if it all comes crashing down
I shall survive it all—
Saddened a bit, shaken perhaps,
Not unvisited by tears
But my dreams shall not crash down
My visions not go glimmering.
So long as I have breath
I know I have the strength
To transform what I can be
To what I am.

The day has come
To take an accounting of my life.

Levy, R.D. (Ed.) (1985). On Wings of Awe: A Machzor for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Hillel Foundations. pp. 104-106.

One week ago, we met new EMP friends and kicked off our summer enrichment program.

One year ago, I acknowledged the Fourth of July in some minimal manner as I was the lone American of the bunch: Canadian roommate, French boss, Senegalese coworkers, Spanish buddy.

Two years ago, I celebrated with my sister and folks at a reunion of my dad’s side of the family.

Three years ago, Sarah, Erin, and I watched many communities’ fireworks from the top of the Glen’s parking garage, then tried to get some sleep before our (arduous) bike trip in Alaska.

In 2001, I observed the Fourth of July on the American ambassador to Austria’s lawn with my parents.

In 2000, I watched the fireworks explode over the monuments of Washington, D.C…

And during my youth, I always celebrated back in Glenview, enjoying family and junk food and cell phone-less meet-ups with friends, dusk and fireflies and Glo Sticks and lawn chairs, giggles and suspense and delicious freedom. The significance of civil liberties, I’m not sure that I wholly grasped. But sitting on a blanket with friends — some girls, some boys, no parents around — that felt like freedom. Walking around outside, in the dark — that felt like freedom. And maybe that’s the only way to grasp such an enormous concept, by taking it in with small bites, or interacting with a miniature version of the master (a fractal, as I learned in Miss Jay’s math class).

This week in class, it was like night and day from Monday to Monday. Our very first day had been bedlam — we were all getting used to our new space, new relationships, new names, new jobs. This first day was much smoother sailing. Only half of the children were new to program, we three teachers knew one another’s styles, and the veterans could model for the newbies’ benefit.

Personally, I wonder about the magnitude of my change from last year to this year. Can I similarly say it’s like night and day? How different is my person and my life now from how it had been then? Last week, I wallowed a bit when I looked back at my blog and realized that some of the issues I’d been struggling with then, I was still struggling with now. No change. Then I reframed, wondering if I had returned to the origin but was one level up, as I’d suggested in a recent post. Now I think that my person, my life are remarkably different — not least of all, because I’m cognizant of last year’s experiences. My heart has been through an odyssey. My body and mind have been exercised enormously. And I’m valiantly trying to make the most of the lessons I learned the hard way. No matter how similar past and present circumstances, I am different because I’ve lived through the past. And it is this enriched individual — me — who negotiates presently.

Next week, next year, I hope to engage in the breaking of patterns and upholding of rituals. There’s a difference. The wisdom that’s come with age has taught me that.

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The Day Has Come

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